firm_detective: (facepalm)
The Therapy Room has finally released its hold on both L and Misa. He trudges down the hall, avoiding eye contact with her, avoiding her touch. He feels as though the air has thickened: even walking is tiring.

When they reach the room, he opens the door, holding it for her after he steps inside, still not looking at her.

[[Thread is private to [livejournal.com profile] misamisal and [livejournal.com profile] firm_detective. Musical inspiration: "Yami Ni Furu Kiseki" by D'espairs Ray. Translation: "In doubt."]]

Date: 2008-10-20 02:50 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::it's awful not to have L looking at her, being close to her. The tension between them is so think, it could be cut with a knife. She wishes vaugely that she could pull out a large fan and blow the heavy clouds away from them, but she knows it wouldn't end this so easily.::

::She steps into the room as he holds the door for her, but the fact that he's not looking at her hurts. Then again, she's avoinding her gaze as well out of shame.::
Thank you.
::she trudges over to the sofa, sitting with her legs curled up next to her, grabbing onwe of the couch pillows to hold against her, as if it could shield her somehow from what is to come::

Date: 2008-10-20 03:06 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
*He closes the door behind her, locks it, then moves slowly to the chair on the opposite side of the room, as far from her position on the sofa as possible. When he sits, he turns away from her, wraps his arms around his knees, and lowers his face.*

Why are you thanking me?

*He sounds lost.*
Edited Date: 2008-10-20 03:25 pm (UTC)

Date: 2008-10-20 03:30 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::she raises her head slightly to see his position, then promptly lowers it again, a lump appearing in her throat. She swallows hard, trying to make it go away::
You held the door for me.

Date: 2008-10-20 03:34 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
*Her words take a moment to register.*

Ah. Habit. You are five feet tall; it's a heavy door.

*The silence in the room is its own noise, buzzing and fraught.*

... You never told me, Misa. Why didn't you ever tell me?

Date: 2008-10-20 04:47 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::her face falls and her voice breaks::
I thought you would hate me...I hate myself because of it, and I couldn't bear the thought of you looking at me and seeing a monster
::she covers her face with her hands, trying to keep calm, forcing herself to take deep breaths, however unsteady they may be::

Date: 2008-10-20 08:35 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
*He doesn't go to her; instead, he stays where he is, not moving.*

You had -- alluded to it before, but not -- everything. Yet I am surprised that you only seem upset that I heard, as if I was the only one there hearing it for the first time. Misa, who have you been telling about this?

*A tiny scoffing noise.*

Did the entire Mansion know? Have they been laughing at me behind their hands for weeks?

Date: 2008-10-20 10:45 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::she shakes her head:: No, of course not! I only told the ghost B, and that was because I thought you were sick because of what I did, and I wanted it to be me instead. I didn't want you to suffer because of what I had done.

::she looks up at him, her expression full of shame, her eyes pleading::
I'll tell you anything you want to know.

((ooc: lol, I'm pretty sure she only told B, so let's just go with that, okay? Oh, wait, I think she may have also mentioned it to Kira Near, but I don't see him around much anymore, and Misa wouldn't remember that anyway, considering it was a "dream." So, we'll just pretend she only told Ghost B. :P ))

Date: 2008-10-20 11:50 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
How much do you think I really want to hear?

*He doesn't see her expression, because he still won't look at her.*

I want to know why you think I didn't deserve to know this before -- everything. You had mentioned it, but you made it sound like ordinary deaths, which have been difficult enough to reconcile myself with.

I told you before that there won't ever be anyone else for me. Did you understand what I meant? It is difficult enough to trust one person, and --


*His voice becomes so small that it fades into silence, as he shakes his head, hands clutching at his calves.*

[[OOC -- I sent you an LJ message about that!]]

Date: 2008-10-21 12:37 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::her knees raise to her chin and she covers her eyes with her hands, her chin resting on her knees. She's visablly shaking::
It happened soon after I got the note...and I...I wrote down that they would come to my address and they would be tortured by a young blonde girl. I tortured them, but the note had it's hold on me. It was like...like I wasn't even in control of my own body, like I was moving through a nightmare. And after an hour, I was released. They got up and left because I had written afterward they would turn themselves in at the nearest police station, then die, and that's exactly what happened...
Please understand, I didn't think I was going to live anyway. I didn't care about anything anymore. I never thought I'd have what we have.
And those two men, they... ::she's suddenly a little bit louder, tears flowing down her face as she makes a frustrated expression, sad and angry:: ...they shot an innocent man simply because he was visitng a friend of his who happened to owe them money, but they didn't stop there! They walked outside and shot his nine month old baby in the head, and they laughed! They laughed while they did it, and the laughed as they ran away from the scene! And they shot the poor baby in a way that it hung on for a few hours of terrible suffering, and they didn't even care! They didn't even care about the man or his baby, or the mother who lost the two most important people in her life in one day! No one who could do that could have a soul, they weren't even human!
::Her words cease for a moment as she continues to cry, but soon after she speaks again::
But, I know I didn't have a right to do what I did, and...and I deserve to feel awful for it and suffer for what I've done. I deserve to still have nightmares about it, and I deserve to suffer, but you don't. And I'm sorry I've hurt you. ::her voice breaks as she speaks those words, but she continues on:: I've been trying to put it behind me, which is why I didn't want to say anything to you. I thought I could start over fresh somehow, but nothing that's been carried out goes away forever. That's why I originally got the eyes. I thought if I could see when someone was going to die, I could help prevent it. From that day on, I only killed those who were trying to kill others or hurt them severely. I thought I could atone for what I'd done, as sick as it sounds. Killing to atone from killing; it's ridiculous... and I'm so sorry you've had to come to know this... I never wanted to hurt you! you're the most important person in my life!

Date: 2008-10-21 01:24 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
*He's silent all through her speech, stealing a few glances at her from the corner of his eye, otherwise remote.*

I know. I'm not sure it matters, though.

*Finally, he lifts his head to look at her, and speaks quietly, distinctly.*

What you deserve, in the technical sense, is life in prison -- at the very least. The case you describe, Misa -- I can't even tell you how many I've worked that are more or less the same. It doesn't matter if the victim was nine months or ninety years old, or what they had done. Everyone in that story is a victim, not just the baby, not just the innocent man -- do you understand? When you killed people, were you thinking of the other people in their lives, or just childish vengeance?

This whole time, I have loved you, made plans for a life with you, knowing that you had used the notebook to murder people. I told myself that it was in the past, though, in a world that has nothing to do with me, and that because you regret it, you would never do it again.

Maybe -- maybe I was fooling myself.

Date: 2008-10-21 01:50 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
When I killed people...I was thinking of the people they were going to harm, and it would harm their families and those closest to the victim. I researched those I was going to kill, to find out their background, why they would want to kill or harm certain people, and went from there.

::upon hearing his last words, she's suddenly leaning forward on the couch on her knees, shacking her head, her expression disbelieving and begging. That simple sentence has torn down the last of her defenses, sinking her heart.::
No!! No!! I haven't used it in so long, well over a year! Longer even because I've been here! And I was back in my world for four months where a notebook was readily available to me, and I never even had the urge to use it! I will never use it again as long as I live, and I can say that with confidence because I don't want to use it ever again! I love you! I'll do anything for you! Please...please, don't...!
::her tone takes on that of hopelessness, thinking perhaps this can never be forgiven, that this is a lost cause. She buries her face in her hands and sinks down on her legs on the couch. She thinks she's lost him. It feels as if her heart is being torn apart and she cannot hold back the sobs that tear from her chest and shake her whole body::

Date: 2008-10-21 01:59 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
*He continues to watch her, and when her face is in her hands, his expression softens -- something he doesn't want her to see. When there is a lull in her sobbing, he speaks gently,*

Misa, how can I believe you?

Date: 2008-10-21 02:11 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::she removes her hands from her face to grab a tissue from a tissue box she had placed on the coffee table and she blows her nose, her voice sadly questioning::
Have I really been so untrustworthy? I've not told any secrets, or crossed you in any way I can think of...L, this is something from my past, something absolutely hate about myself. It's not something I've ever wanted to relive I. I know that's not who I really am.
But...if you cannot trust me any longer...if, if you don't want to see me again, I...

Date: 2008-10-21 02:17 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
I didn't -- say that.

*His gaze drops to the floor again.*

I don't know what I want.

*Would I give her up over something like this -- something that happened before I knew her, something I already half-knew about? I ought to. The thoughts race through his head, though he remains outwardly still and calm.*

Date: 2008-10-21 02:22 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::she watches him for a moment, then sniffs and stands dejectedly, staring at the floor::
If you'd like, I could leave you alone for a little while.

Date: 2008-10-21 02:36 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
*He looks at her directly, now, his eyes full of conflicting emotions.*

I -- no, please sit down. There are two rooms; there's no need for you to leave.

Even if things were to end now, Misa, it wouldn't mean that I had stopped loving you. It would mean that I recognized I had compromised myself with you.

Date: 2008-10-21 02:44 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::her head raises to gaze back at him. He doesn't want her to leave, that's good. She gently sinks back down to the sofa::

...does our relationship mean compromising yourself?

Date: 2008-10-21 02:58 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
I thought it might, at first, and then -- then I slept with you, and we were both happy, and I couldn't see much but goodness in you -- slightly skewed, maybe, but not rotten like Yagami.

I only wonder how much I was seeing what I wanted to see, to excuse my own actions.


*He sounds sad.*

Date: 2008-10-21 03:06 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
I'm not like him.
::she says it with such conviction, but her expression is soft, pleading::
I'm still the same person you've always known me as. Who I was then is not who I am now.

Date: 2008-10-21 03:10 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
I don't -- trust people easily, Misa. I had to make a conscious decision to trust you; at the moment, I can't help but question it. How much more might you be hiding from me?

*He accompanies his words with a long stare, but a few seconds after he finishes speaking, turns his face away, with downcast eyes.*

Date: 2008-10-21 03:19 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::She meets his gaze straight on, her eyes clear with no barrier behind them::
That was the only thing. I have hidden nothing else. I know it may be difficult for you to believe that right now, and if you're willing, perhaps we could work through this? I don't us to end. Especially like this.

Date: 2008-10-21 03:23 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
*He doesn't look back at her; his voice is very soft again.

It isn't about "work" -- it is -- I thought I knew someone, thought I loved her, and now, it seems I am not even aware of who she is.

Date: 2008-10-21 03:31 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::her breath catches in her throat and she bites her bottom lip hard, trying to best not to start crying again::

I'm sorry! Is there anything...anything I can do? Can we...see where times takes us? Please, L, I want to make this right again. Please, I'll do anything.

Date: 2008-10-21 03:37 am (UTC)From: [identity profile] firm-detective.livejournal.com
Please stop begging me and crying, Misa -- it makes this more difficult. There isn't anything you can do to change the past, and the past is what we are discussing. I haven't made a decision yet.

Date: 2008-10-21 08:09 pm (UTC)From: [identity profile] misamisal.livejournal.com
::she looks a bit dejected as she wipes at her eyes, then stands and walks towards the kitchen area::
I'm sorry...I'll make some tea.

::She picks up the teapot, then pauses, looking inside. Suddenly, she squirts some soap in it, reaching in with a sponge after running it under hot water and scrubbing at it, rinsing and rinsing afterward to make sure all the soap is out of the teapot. She then fills it with water and sets it on the stove to boil. She pauses again, peering at the sink with a troubled expression. Reaching under the sink, she pulls out a bottle of softscrub with bleach and squirts some of the white substance into the sink and begins scrubbing away, all over the inside of the sink's double sides and over the faucet and handles as well::

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