firm_detective: (tears in the rain)
Misa has been gone for more than three days, and there is no way to begin to locate her. I think she was returned to where she came from. What may happen to her there would be predictable and final.

I had forgotten how empty a room can feel, and how slowly time can move when there is nothing to fill it but waiting -- the hours creep by at the most protracted pace imaginable -- no distractions exist -- boredom and agitation take over.

I have very little appetite, but I have been in the kitchen, mostly to make people aware of what has happened. About every six hours or so, I leave a note here and go to her old room; I wait there for her for an hour or so, with her things, then I walk through the hallways, listening for the sounds of someone trapped in a room. Of course, I never hear anything. No one has seen her or heard her since a few hours before she vanished.

(Cockeyed optimism from Pink-san, somewhat less so from Mel, surprising good nature from Mihael, the usual strangeness from B, and so on. At the moment, I am writing this while sitting on the bed that used to be hers.)

I did not sleep the first night she was gone. A younger double of mine here is friendly -- friendlier than I would have been at his age, as is his boyfriend -- I ran into him in a room that gave us some sort of companion animal (I was given an insolent osprey who called herself Raina and hectored me about my health). This other L suggested chamomile and valerian; I credit the tea with the eight hours of sleep I've managed (4 each, the past two nights) since M. went away.

When I think about it, it seems that everything came too late for M. and me.

I can hope that she will come back, but what if she doesn't? Should I allow myself to hope, and if I do, when do I know it is time to stop? Supposing she never reappears, will I ever at least know what happened to her -- how long she lived after leaving? What she could remember?

How much would I be willing to give up to see her again?

["I am closest to you when I am far away."]

Down here everything is fine. We have a straw, we have a line. We have a bag, a rock, a mountain with a string of shepherds driving lions. )
firm_detective: (working)
[[continuation of personal log related to epidemic in Mansion]]

Tuesday -- More pain. Burning pain. Fever receding, occasioanl flare. Breathing problems.
- After I completed entry, Near (blind) dead. Ruptured thoracic and abdominal regions. green. like body in kitchn. illness's ultimate conclusion.
- I am dying. my pain points to it. ridiculous way to die.
- visits: Mello, Watari, Pink-san. Loose ends tied.
- M. sicker than I thought. Green patches on back. Wants to make deals. Love her.

Wednesday -- Continuation & escalation of symptoms.
- Went to kitchen for an hour in the evening.
- **Beyond is well again.** no longer averse to watari eithr.
- Elle: discussion, Light worse (gr discharge), child Mello hallucinates but no other symp, something weird abt B visit friday?,
**WHY AREN'T THE CHILDREN ILL** (epidemiology)
- Feeling -- being watched

Thurs -- Same. feel watched when alone -- motor control deteriorating
- Kitchen again -- met new Near
- mihael v sick -- discharge -- kira near v sick -- still active
- visit from Light, surprise @ his concern

fri -- same -- always more pain -- watched
- stayed in bed exc visitors
- misas eyes gr now -- why?

sat -- same, worse -- breathing
- hallucinatn in hall. gurney. slime. body disappears. dead end but it vanished?
- help from mel, talk -- *WHY DID EVERYONE GET SICK @ SAME TIME?**
= *****NOT A NORMAL DISEASE*****
- ghost? devil?

sun -- same as sat
- met new 2x int conv
- conv w pink in kitchen -- promises re M -- my theory of illness (such as is)

mon -- same, alws increasing
- mihael dead, light tkng badly
- B in ktchn -- claims 3rd death.

B IS HALLUCINATION OR GHOST. IF HALL., AM FURTHER GONE THAN I THOUGHT. SAID:
***THE ILLNESS IS THE SAME THING AS THE GHOST***
***THE GHOST IS THE SAME THING AS THE ILLNESS***
***BOTH ARE SMTHNG ELSE ENTIRELY***
***WHO DIES DEPENDS ON THEM, ME?***


mockery -- why? wants to keep me alive to "give me a chance" --
mind playing tricks?
my sins?

tues -- same pain increasign watched
- sleeping, thinking
depends on me, sins, what is the cause??? "too slow"

why why why why w
firm_detective: (working)
I cannot type so well, my hands hurt and they are shaking, but its the first opportunityh i've had to make a record of what is happening. (me and everyone else.) on sofa, blanket, misa asleep in bed. concern for her and for myself; everyone. PAIN (abdominal, chest -- lungs?). May be important to assemble notes.

Began to experience iiregularities more than a week ago, on Sunday. My hearing -- on the way to the kitchen, met a new B. Stranger than most, which is saying something. couldnt hear everything said to/around me. auditory hallucinatns? disasscoiation?

Monday -- episodes continue. fatigue.
- Rose garden room. Light (bassist) -- ill, hears things, dreams. Near. hostile Mello -- from lights world. B had told me Light told him something was going around -- light denied.
- met new Near who claimed to be android, also a melllo and a light -- all w/o incident.

Tuesday -- more fatigued. green. weakness. motor control.
- another new B. v innocent.
- female Light -- false protestations of concern -- good cake.

wEdnesday -- more. more. more. dizziness began.
- new Matsuda. Light lost. if we get past this, want to consider it further. distracted during conversation, thought i saw -- what was it? can't remember.
- FOUND BODY IN KITCHEN. green slime. decomp. spoke begging for help. ruptured, sprayed mello, me. near slipped in slime. many people in room. something about footprints? can't remember. showered as soon as I could and disposd of clothing.

weds or thurs -- walked with Beyond (is harmless for now) -- slime in sugar bowl. vanished. beyond sick -- fevers, dizziness. afraid of watari, says he "makes ppl disappear." -- does he know I make ppl disappear.? gave me health lecture.
**Illness worse w/ contact to things/people?**

Thursday -- more. more. more. more. all more extreme. fever. urgency -- tried to finish what I could.
- 3rd new B of week -- call him Cipher. fragile.
- had long convesration with Elle (inexperienced). asked him -- keep eyes open & report if necc. watch light.
- kitchen. spoke with mel. can't remember much -- something abt red near?
- also spoke w. Mihael. **CONTAGIOUS** -- green discharge symptom -- eyes, mouth. Near sick.
- Went to bar to talk to Red Near. Cannot remember why -- almost delirious.
- **Lost consciousness after returning to kitchen.** High fever. Bathed & carried back to room by a number of people. (Watari, first new B, and ? can't remember.) Humiliating.

(Room location now seems common knowledge?)

Friday -- all symptoms. Slept. High fever fluctuates. Abdominal pain.
- M very worried. I did what I had to, think she understands.
- B who helped came to visit. Feels like a dream -- I remember little.

Saturday -- all symptoms. Slept. Fever down. More pain. Hiding it from M for now.
- Mello visited. Is caring for Near -- Odd.
- Misa sick. Her hand is green and cold.

Sunday -- all symptoms. Less dizzy, less fever. More ab pain. Pain in chest. Still sleeping.
- Pink-san visited -- worried. Lectured me (as if there arent 10 Ls here).
- Misa sicker than I thought. Green in her eyes, on her back. Still wants to nurse me. Hate that she is suffering.
- Late at night -- body in corridor, repteition of events in kitchen. Do not think Misa experienced similar event.

Monday -- further lessening of initial symptoms. fever fluctuates with body ache. More pain.
- Watari visited. I was honest. Found obv heart murmur.

Today -- More pain. Burning pain. Fever receding, occasioanl flare. Breathing problems.

Do not know how much time I have -- must get out of room as soon as I can. Even an hour at a time -- two -- enough, my hands are shaking
firm_detective: (matter-of-fact)
Ordinarily, if I neglect to make my personal notes for a week or so, it's because the week has been uneventful. I only wish I could say that was the case this time.

To begin with, Pink-san was killed by B the very night I warned him against it, though it took us several days to discover the body. He was smothered, probably after being drugged. Cuts were made in his arms, spelling out coded messages: THIS IS NOT L and ONLY FOR YOU. (Caesar Shift Cipher with the obvious key.)



All of this has been made much worse by one of this place's tricks. The last place I saw Pink-san alive was in a new kitchen that appeared, something like a cafe in Vienna. The majority of people who ate in that kitchen came down with a cold. In my own case, and in Misa's, it was a bad one. We spent days in her room, leaving only for food.

(I'd left my Powerbook in my room and, for once, felt no particular impulse to retrieve it.)

It was initially my intent to care for her, but my own condition worsened for a day or two, as hers began to improve; I know that I am a terrible patient, but I think that, perhaps, having someone to look after distracted her from her grief.

And she... confessed some things to me that were... difficult to hear, mostly how she tried to kill herself again and again after the deaths of her parents. I thought of what it might have been to have never met her, and I found myself extremely distressed.

So in this jumble of terrible events, what would have been the signal news has been pushed aside: Light has returned. He was gone from here for... about a week? Ten days or so? (The imprecision is frustrating, but I have been unable to acquire solid information related to the exact times of his departure and return.)

He was sent back to where we came from. He experienced the interval of time as 47 days. The change in his appearance since the last time I saw him is -- it is alarming. He is hollow and corpse-like and I have had enough of the corpses of people I know, for one week.



I've also met a new Near. He is blind, yet perspicacious in the extreme... I find that I enjoy the conversations I've had with him.



Now that I am able to move, again, mostly without coughing, it's time to begin hunting for B. I have a plan in mind to make him tell me what I want to know, but I'm still unsure what would be appropriate to do with him here, aside from that.

When she woke up this morning, Misa found a note from The Assistant summoning us to a specific room for a memorial service for Pink-san. I have showered and taken the opportunity to write this record of events, but I have no time to write any more than this.

[[slightly out-of-timeline: before the memorial service, which is actually underway. On another note, LJ isn't displaying the links in this post at the moment, but they ARE there.]]
firm_detective: (eyes)
About a week ago, I found Pink-san sobbing in a hallway. It came out through the conversation that his Bs were missing and that it was affecting his sanity. Even insofar as I cannot imagine relying on another person as much as that, his behavior was disconcerting, and I found myself worried for him. I've kept my eyes open for him, and for Beyond, but was unable to find either of them. I've never met the other B.

The other night, I ran into Pink-san again; I think this was Misa's first time seeing him in his new state, and it was hard for her.

There are new worries, thanks to that meeting. B -- the B from my world -- has somehow convinced Pink-san that he's the missing B. I have done what I could to warn him off. Pink-san, however, accepts him and seems grateful for his company. Lex asked us to do what we could to help him.

I am more concerned than I can say: it is difficult to willingly leave a friend with someone I know to be dangerous. I've made B aware of my stand, but without Pink-san's cooperation, my hands are tied.

If he can love two Bs and they can love him in return, without apparent harm, there is the smallest possibility -- really infinitesimal, I'm afraid -- that the B I know may follow suit. But I don't believe that will be the case, and I don't know what he has in mind, and all I can do is try to keep my eyes open for Pink-san and check on his welfare every day.
firm_detective: (eyes)
Several days ago, Mihael visited my room to tell me that Light is missing. No -- he visited to look for him, actually, thinking I might have taken him into custody again.

Since then, if I am unoccupied (in spite of Misa, I am still often less occupied than I would like to be), my mind trips along a drumbeat: where is he where is he where is he where is he where is he.

I find myself concerned for his safety, more than anything. But I also find myself wondering if the plans I've made are now in tatters, if my only chance now is to stay here. (How long can someone stay here?) I already have the terrible dichotomy: there is nothing for me to do, I cannot remember ever feeling this ineffectual, yet... I don't want to leave her, either. And I don't want to die.

In the last few days, I have spent a lot of time looking for him around the Mansion. Mostly in hallways -- it would be both imprudent and useless to attempt to search every room. A body swap that saw me looking like the male Misa for a day -- it seems he's a rock star -- made my search slightly less conspicuous.

There is nothing, nothing, nothing. No sign of him, no sign that he was ever here, except that I still have his notebook.

Talking to Meile would be useless, now that I know what I know, and there is no sign of Sayu Yagami anywhere.

The worst may have been yesterday, when I ran into Pink-san; his Bs have vanished, and it seems they have taken his sanity with them.

So... there isn't any assistance to draw on.

What is happening in this place?
... How much longer will it let me hold on to what's left?
firm_detective: (eyes)

I learned a lot of things as a child, but one that was drilled into me the most intensively was this:

Move, move, move.
Inertia is how you fail.
Inertia is how you die.

So, for many years (a good deal of my childhood, and all of my adult life), I've been on the move... a headlong rush from city to city, room to room, running from things I can't see or quantify... just in case. I've rarely spent as much time in one place, consecutively, as the last ten months in Tokyo.

It's ironic, then, that I prefer to be in one place, and that I'm not afraid to die. I keep running. It is my habit. Self-preservation is an art worth practicing regardless of whether or not fear is a factor in the equation. I may not fear death, but I want to live.

Now my only choice is to be still, to be patient.

A few days ago, I was in the bar with Misa when I began to feel watched... I know that feeling, although I am usually on the other end of it. In spite of the strange qualities of this place, it wasn't difficult to identify the watcher; it was B. (That is, the one from my own past.) I don't know when he arrived here, how long he's been here, how it is that he's not scarred beyond all recognition. No, instead he's creeping around doing the same "Rue Ryuuzaki" act that he did for Misora. 

I warned him off, but he had taken notice of Misa, and... I was worried. She stayed with me that night. We have been together every night since (though we have been almost entirely innocent together).  In the meantime, I've run into B at least once a day.

I am undecided, for once, as to what to do about B. I have two options that I can think of. 

I have heard time and again that this place does not allow its inhabitants to injure each other very seriously, so while I worry that B will attempt to create a puzzle for me at the expense of one of the other guests, there isn't much I can do about it. My only option would be to stalk him as carefully as he seems to be stalking me. 

If I do that, though, I can't be with Misa, and my other fear is that while I'm looking for him, he'll get to her. Staying with her as much as I can seems to be the more sensible of the two options... or is it that I am trying to convince myself that it's true, because it's my personal desire?

Have I compromised myself with her? 

If it were not for her, would I be busy watching B? Looking for Light? (Though I still think waiting is the best policy in the latter case.)

I do not know... I only know that, because of the inertia, I have been thinking of "happiness for myself" outside of solving a puzzle, and just now... she is necessary to my happiness, in a way I never thought another person might be.

Yes, I am utterly compromised.

ooc )
firm_detective: (kissing misa)
When faced with indecision, sometimes the best thing to do is just to take decisive action.

It is a relief to act without thinking as much as I normally might. She is so sweet and soft.

There is the problem of remembering how the other Misa -- it was necessary, but it -- I will try to put it out of my mind for the time being. There is no sense in feeling guilt over a well-considered action that was taken as part of a major investigation; they wear the same face, but they are not the same woman at all.
firm_detective: (boy detective)
After last night's confusion, I want to make a point of writing everything else that happened.

Keeping mostly to myself in this room has become dull, and I'm still not certain where Mihael and Light have run off to, so last night, I joined a large group of people in their weekly celebration at the bar. Talking to the other inhabitants of this place nearly always yields valuable information. Still, I am ashamed to admit, even to myself, that I was not expecting the things that happened.

The signal moment of the entire evening: just after I arrived, so close on my heels that I'm amazed I didn't run into him in the hallway, Light made an appearance. And a fast disappearance, of course, characterized by a sort of abject terror. It is strange, in that I intentionally did not react to the encounter, yet he behaved as though I were pursuing him.

This led to a somewhat uncomfortable conversation with the pink-haired fellow: I think he may misinterpret my behavior towards -- no, my relationship with -- Light.

I was frustrated by the encounter -- with Light, I mean -- and by hearing that Mihael had incapacitated himself. I had thought that allowing Mihael (so confident in his own theories about my methods) to look after Light for a while would probably be harmless... indeed, the worst that has happened to Light seems to be that Meile punched him, and that was not unexpected. I have even made a point of showing Mihael that a show of force from me is not forthcoming.

Yet Pink-san feels it is creating more problems? I suppose it is possible, though I don't think that such things are my responsibility; Light and Mihael chose for themselves. He thinks I should talk to Light, and seemed undaunted when I pointed out the logical difficulties of that idea.

His thinking may have been impaired by his level of intoxication. And the way one must sit on those bar stools to avoid falling off of them. I wound up escorting him back to his room, then returning to the bar.

After that, I had two interesting conversations, one with the rainbow-haired Matt, another with a different Light. I don't feel that either has much bearing on my current situation, but each brought up new topics for consideration.

Then... everything that happened with Misa. I -- what do I want? What should I do? For the moment, I just need to think about it. It's a distraction, but even I am not such a liar to myself as to claim it's an unwelcome one.

ooc )
firm_detective: (lust)
I think I may be a little drunk. I've been out of the room tonight -- I saw Light, he ran off -- I may have to reevaluate my plan -- but that is not -- I have something else to think about --

The evening ended in a way that -- it is something different, it is new, and I don't know what I -- how do I think how do I feel about this?

I found myself talking to Misa for a while, again, discussing some of the plans we made last week, those to ensure the eventual safety of our companions. She became -- very intoxicated. I am sure she had as much to drink as I did -- I tower over her --

I offered to see her back to her room safely -- she told me she had no experience with intoxication -- I don't know why, but leaving her in the bar alone -- seemed like the wrong idea -- and --

she said -- but I am completely certain it was -- she was drunk after all -- she said that she has a... crush? on me? -- and then -- and then she said -- that she thought we would...? together? -- But it's impossible, she was just drunk....

In the kitchen the other day -- she kissed me. And it wasn't unpleasant -- and I thought -- it could be useful -- so I let it -- I let her -- and everyone saw --

Is that -- is that what I want? To kiss Misa? It has been such a very long time since I have kissed anyone -- I gave up on that long ago -- I don't know where to start (do I want to start?)

Misa is attractive sweet and -- interested -- helpful, too -- and I think she might be wrong for me but -- isn't everyone is anyone right ever right -- maybe there's right for right now and it's day by day every day -- maybe it would be all right to find out -- here --

I don't like what it does to me -- so little clarity --

and I'm just going to go to sleep now, and it's so -- it's alone -- so much --

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