firm_detective | Thursday afternoon: revividus

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Thursday afternoon: revividus

L is still resting in bed. He's recovered from the shock of the hallucination he experienced earlier that day, and has been turning the problem over and over in his mind, considering Mello's suggestions carefully.

The particular difficulty of the dilemma is not its strangeness: he finds that if he broadens what he's willing to accept, it simplifies things drastically. It's that, once again, he's sure the puzzle is missing a few crucial pieces. He can guess at what they might be, but there are several possibilities, and he can't yet be sure. He worries that his time will run down to nothing before he works them out.

There's a knock at the door.

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And the rest of it?

It's easy to be told someone is busy, but it's quite another matter to surrender your entire life, abandon all other goals and motivations, cut off all human contact and generally eat sleep and breathe someone who won't even consent to see you.

*He looks mildly surprised, and it's a while before he says anything. When he does finally speak, his tone is ambivalent.*

There are... reasons for that. I didn't mean --

*He sighs in frustration.*

Potential successors are important, in the event that something ever -- happens to me. As the two of you know. But the trouble is, the trouble is -- it might never come. So, then, there are these people who have been trained to... do what I do the way that I do it, yes?

Is it fair to expect them to spend their entire lives just... waiting for me to die? I would imagine that at some age, they might get tired of waiting. Then, something stands in the way of what they want. They know what it is, and they have some indi--cation of how to find it.

That's the self-preservation aspect. There are less personal considerations -- for example, it's also safer for the poten--potential successors, if nobody can use them to get to me.

But it was never meant to distress you. I would have spoken with you sooner or later, if I had had the opportunity.

Of course I realized that. You didn't trust me not to take action to kill you, and you didn't trust me to consult me whether or not it was a risk I was willing to take, you made the decision for me.

I might have done, at some point. But it's been less than a year, for me, since I selected the two of you. I've watched you, I've -- tried to help, in certain ways.

Then -- I admit, I became preoccupied with the Kira case. You always think you will have so much time to finish what you want to finish, and then -- it gets away from you.

Whereas I've known for years that I could do it.

It wasn't your fault, of course, but if we're discussing feelings. My situation was complicated by the handicap.

Of course, it would be. That wasn't the case for the Near in my world, but I meant to leave a lot for both of you, or whoever I chose. It seems that, in your case, Yagami made it impossible.

At any rate, you've met me now. I can't -- do anything about the rest of it -- I don't know if I will ever be able to.

*Mello pauses, taking in all of L's words, before pursing his lips.*

...Ryuuzaki, you... hadn't meant for us to work together or something, right?

I have a variety of people who assist me, but I think this work would be very difficult to do with an equal partner. Particularly one I frequently disagreed with.

*He exhales, and it might sound relieved.*

So you just... haven't chosen yet.

You left it far too late.

I didn't intend to. I didn't intend that the Kira case would become so -- long, or difficult, or consuming. I doubt your L did, either, and I doubt he thought he would be killed when he was -- though he must have known there was a chance.

My hope was that, at some point, I might retire. At that point I would certainly have spoken with whoever I'd chosen.

We could have handled it-- I could have handled it, if you'd asked me to.

Working together?

I would say that it seems unlikely, but -- it's been suggested to me here, by a Matt, that I should teach you both to do it -- something I would know nothing about, by the way.

Still, it seems like the two of you will get a-- get around to it in one way or another -- no matter what I do. It seems that nobody manages to beat Yagami alone.

I only wish it could be done without so much waste.

About asking anything of the two of you -- I --

No, it's-- that's not what I meant, I don't want to work with him. I just meant, I... I would've waited.

--You what, though?

-- and if I'd had more time, I might have seen that. But -- how much is the willingness to wait that the two of you are protesting to me -- how much is that colored by losing L?

*He sighs again.*

I was only going to say that I don't think I would have asked anything of either of you. You -- needed the chance to grow into yourselves without any more interference from me.

I really didn't mean to bungle it. I wanted the two of you to be -- utterly confident and sec--secure in your choices. It's necessary, for this work.

Even if I hadn't lost you, I would've waited. For as long as I needed to.

Ryuuzaki, we... Weren't trying to grow into ourselves, though. We were trying to grow into you. That's... kind of the point.

*He has now received this assurance from both Near and Mello, and he believes them. He's not used to people having much personal regard for him at all -- only professional respect -- so it must be because, as they say, neither of them has had the chance to know him very well. But he looks puzzled, and, maybe, flattered, and his weak low voice comes slowly, reflecting his puzzlement.*

... That -- isn't what I wanted from either of you. I wanted you to develop your capabilities -- to learn to do the work as well as you could. I needed to see who you were on your own -- and to be able to make the decision less -- personally -- than I might have, otherwise.

It's not appropriate to compare either of you to B, but there's something I had to explain to him recently. I think it touches on this.

Edited 2008-08-08 11:28 (UTC)

It is appropriate. We're a refinement of the same process, like it or not.

I think that's probably the problem with taking a group of orphans and telling them you're teaching them to become one person, and if they can be the most like him, they win everything. Which is obviously not what was said, exactly, but it's what a lot of us felt.

There were all kind of messy transfers of affection. Like it or not, the system puts you, or rather, the 'L' figure, into the void that losing one's entire family left, given the absence of parental figures, councilors, etc. Not to mention the poor social skills characteristic of the severely gifted child, which add to the sudden isolation.

*L shifts position in his pillows and blankets, curling onto his side; he closes his eyes and breathes for a few seconds before speaking. He sounds weary, and unusually apologetic.*

It isn't appropriate, Near -- not quite. Not because of the process that was used, but because of who you are. I had little to do with selecting B, almost nothing to do with his training, and in the end, I only noted his instability. Things were different -- and would have continued to be different -- with the two of you.

What I explained to him was --

*-- he takes a deep breath, and his next words are deliberate --*

I can understand the situation on an intellectual level, but I can't -- feel it. The void, the isolation... for me, there was no one to fill it. There never has been. I kept busy, and the work became everything, and -- everything else became secondary to it. For almost every waking minute, until I came here, I've worked, or thought about working, or looked for new cases to take on.

What you were told back at the House -- it is important that the children are loyal, given that they know more than most, but -- I only wanted you to understand how important the work is to me.

Also... you said something about "consent" a few minutes ago. I was never told you wanted to see me. Did you ask?

Edited 2008-08-08 21:22 (UTC)

So you had more to do... with selecting us? I--

I asked. Moreso after we talked with each other. We just... were never allowed to.

I chose you both personally. My first two selections, if you must know.

And I was never told -- possibly, I was difficult to catch.

I asked too, though I didn't let people know it. I suspected Roger wouldn't pass the request on.

See, you filled the void with your work, and we might have done the same if we had that, but all we had was the meaningless school work, and classes with teachers usually less intelligent than we were. 'L' was a way out.

*He stares flatly at both of them.*

Yes, I understand.

I didn't intend for you -- I didn't realize -- I thought you were both content enough.

I... did what I thought might help. It seems I should also have made a point of telling Roger to pass your requests through. I wasn't aware there were any.

*He sounds more apologetic, and very, very tired.*

Edited 2008-08-09 04:41 (UTC)

We need to stop, immediately. We're adding to his guilt and we're no closer to a solution. We can't afford to speed his demise.

(no subject)

firm-detective.livejournal.com - 2008-08-09 04:55 (UTC) - Expand

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